Flying

            As you may be traveling soon, and it may be by air, here are some fascinating facts and some hints to make us all less likely to be “Ugly Americans.”  Yes, another list.

- First, no matter how you time it, you will be either too early or too late for your flight.  One yields boredom and the other panic.  The airport is a place of great emotion and Tums are very expensive in the gift shop.

            - Aboard the aircraft you will find that peanuts taste terrible at 30,000 feet.  Actually, most things taste worse on an airplane, although on JetBlue “beverages” are only two dollars whereas on other airlines they are five dollars.  Two dollar beverages are easier to swallow.

- You will discover that the seat next to yours is usually occupied by a seasoned traveler who has no trouble sleeping, uses a large laptop and has an uncanny ability to hog the armrest.

            - Always ask for the emergency exit row as you will receive additional leg room and the admiration of fellow passengers.  On the down side these seats do not recline and you will be called upon to be heroic in case of an emergency.  However, you will be able to get out of the burning plane first.

- Listen to the flight attendant’s directives.  Sure you have heard them before, but humor us all. In case of a disaster your life and mine may depend on following the instructions.  As they go through the choreographed information about what to do if the unspeakable happens, resist denial. 

            - You can also help by not glaring at the parents of a crying baby.  Honest, parents know how annoying the noise is.  Your suggestions for quieting the child only point out how obnoxious the screaming has become.

            - If you have a cold or sore throat we all wish you would stay home.  If this is not possible please do not snort all the way to Miami or click your throat in the hope that the pain will go away.  Ask the overworked flight attendant for something.  They have remedies on the plane. If you whisper the request the rest of us will not know that we are about to fall victim to ill health on our expensive vacation.

            - Be as nice in the air as you are on the ground.  Yes, artichokes are less tightly packed in their jars than passengers on a 737, but relax. People are generally nice to one another on airplanes.  Slowly, the same stress as too many mice in a maze takes over and congeniality usually only breaks down when leaving the plane.  Everyone wishes to be the first off, which is counter productive as the doors to airplanes only allow for the exit of one person at a time.  Upon landing, you are going to wait for your luggage, so there really is no hurry to get off.  This is a fact lost on most of us.

            - When the plane’s staff thank you for flying their airline accept it graciously.  The skies are filled with updrafts and air pockets.  Pilots try to avoid them, but the ride is sometimes rough. It is not the fault of the flight attendants.

            - The luggage carousel is like playing a slot machine.  Will your bag be first, last or gone forever?  Bags usually are not really lost; they just end up somewhere where you aren’t.  If you see yours arrive, try not to trample the little lady standing where the luggage mysteriously appears from who-knows-where.

            - Remember that the pilot wants to get home as safely as you do.  He or she also depends on your help.  Being cordial is the least we all can do. Traveling is stress producing, please do not add to the stress. Just sit back and relax and try not to think how far 35,000 feet is to fall.